Briefs
by Kakkoii Jack
Summary: A collection of short stories, a chapter long each. Aimed to make fun of myself, other writers and Toei & Saban.
1. Introduction

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Hello and welcome to Kakkoii Jack's "Briefs". Here you will find an extensive collection of humorous short stories, ranging from Drama to Parody.  
  
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I'd like to begin with – I don't own Digimon. I do write about it though, so sue me, no wait... don't!  
  
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Now that that is out the way, please read and review. Oh, and make sure that each review you write is relevant to the story you are reading. Don't talk about Chapter 2 when you are currently reviewing Chapter 7.  
  
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Enjoy! 


	2. Tribute

This is not a story, this is just a tribute, to the worst stories in the world.  
  
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I don't own Digimon, I don't own A Digimon, I've never seen a real live Digimon and I really don't like salad cream.  
  
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"Ahhh!!" Takeru screamed, as Rika pulled tighter on his the bandage covering his hand. Davis leaned closer them.  
  
"I told you, I could have kissed it better and it wouldn't have been as painful." Davis whispered, smiling. As he opened his mouth to speak again the far wall came crashing down - it was Devimon.  
  
"Devimon?! I thought we'd destroyed him!!" Tai screamed, kicking his soccer ball into a nearby tennis net. It bounced off and hit Matt's guitar snapping all the strings. Matt looked up from his fit of depression and smilied.  
  
"It's okay," he said "Atleast the anime lets me get with Sora. Besides, I don't need this. I grow up to be an astronaught. God knows how I get to Mars when i'm only meant to goto the moon thought. I think i'd probably be courtmarshalled for joyriding in a multimillion dollar government vechicle."  
  
As he finished the sentance the Devimon collapsed into a pile of data, behind him stood none other then the author of this story, writing his first self insertion. In his hand waas some kind of digital device. He stepped inside the gapping hole in the wall before summoning his Digimon, whom is a self created monster that only has three stages as the creator hasn't thought of any more yet.  
  
"Hi, i'm Jack." The self inserted character said. Which, of course, is true, as the author of this has his name as none other than Jack. He sat down and began playing cards with Joe. No-one bothered to ask how he got his Digimon and were very accepting of him, considering he was a complete stranger with the power to destroy Digimon in an instant. They also failed to converse deeply about his special Digital weapon. He only told them of its amazing secret powers, yet failed to mention about where he got it, and if they ever did ask, he'd create some story about a flashing light on his way to school. conversation continued as normal.  
  
"I thought you liked KARI!" Yolei yelled at Davis, pulling him away from drueling all over Takeru.  
  
"And I thought you liked ME!" Ken screamed, dressed as the Kaizer. Everyone gave him funny looks. "Well, the outfit was so hard to get in the first place I thought I may as well keep it, incase someone like you wanted to go evil, Matt." Matt responded with a knowing glance, before going back to his selfhurting.  
  
There was a bang at the door and Cody walked in, although the large holed wall would have provided a better entrance. He nodded hello to Jack, not knowing who he was but still accepting him into the group, as you do when you meet a stranger with a Digimon sitting next to ihm.  
  
"Don't shout at me! You've been in more plotholed fanfics then I have!" Davis screamed at Yolei.  
  
"Yeah, but you've burst out crying in more of them!" Yolei screamed in a fit of tears, before leaving the room via the door.  
  
"Way to go Davis, now I have to go after her!" Izzy shouted angrily, before turning to Tai with a wink. Tai laughed and began singing his happy song, totally forgetting about his tradgic past which he only told Matt about, while they were in a bathroom together. Joe burst in when they were in there and acted totally out of character too, but that is another story (by another writer - which I liked anyhow).  
  
"Say Rika, why are you here?" Takeru asked, quietly.  
  
"I'm NOT here you idiot! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!" She replied, in a less then friendly tone. As she begins beating Takeru about with her D-Power, an evil and all powerful monster crashed onto of the building. It opened its mouth and bit the roof from above the chosen childrens heads.  
  
"Oh my god! It's MainEvilEnemymon! It's an evil Digimon, and my Patamon is super strong against them, how will I ever manage?" TK began, before being stomped on by none other than MainEvilEnemymon.  
  
"T.K!!" Kari yelled, jumping out from her bed and throwing her covers everywhere.  
  
"She recovered quickly" Sora muttered. Tai heard.  
  
"DON'T SAY THAT ABOUT MY SISTER!! I CAN'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO HER! HOW COULD YOU BE SO MEAN?!" Tai screamed at the top of his lungs. Sora began crying. "Oh, i'm sorry Sora, maybe I could send you a soppy e-mail to make up for it?"  
  
"Stupid Tai" Sora muttered again. She'd gotten used to doing it. All that time with Matt playing loud music had made him quite deaf, and she normally muttered things about him that he couldn't hear.  
  
"Err.. Aren't we meant to defeat that thing?" Matt asked, directed at Joe.  
  
"Err... ahh.. I need the bathroom" He replied, leaving in the direction of the... bathroom. As Joe stepped outside there was a flash of bright light and the beast was destroyed. Alone stood Jack infront of it.  
  
"Wow, what a powerful self insertion, I wonder if he'd like to look at Yaoi monthly with me.." Davis whispered to himself. Rika overheard and sighed.  
  
"Can I go home now?" She asked.  
  
"You have no home anymore!" A mysterious voice replied.  
  
END 


	3. Mimi Talks Too Much

"You know what?" Mimi said, pushing her glass down the table.  
  
"Surprise me.." Matt sighed, banging his head on the table. It had been a long night, and he hadn't got drunk enough to enjoy Mimi's company.  
  
"I think I like..." Mimi paused mid-sentance, waiting for her brain to catch up with her mouth. "VANILLA!" she cried in an overly loud tone. Matt began banging harder.  
  
"Cheer up Matt" a mysterious voice from behind Matt chanted. Matt spun around on his chair, old skool style.  
  
"Who are you?" He asked, not caring much. Anything to get away from Mimi's constand talking.  
  
"I am the Ghost of Christmas Past" The person creating the voice said.  
  
"Ohh, was that what made me throw up last Christmas?" Mimi asked, blinking wildly.  
  
"No! That was the Geese, after a Christmas Fast" The strange person replied.  
  
"I was pretty sure it was her bulemia that made her do it." Matt replied, taking a sip from his glass.  
  
"You know there is nothing in there, right?" The Ghost asked. Matt placed the glass down, then picked it up again.  
  
"Yeah, yeah I do." He replied, taking another swift of fresh air. Mimi stood up and demanded to go to the little girls room.  
  
"It's called a toilet, Mimi!" Matt shouted at her. She was busy questioning seven foot tall man's hat.  
  
"So is it SUPPOSED to look all brown and vomity?" She asked, accidentally pushing the man's drink over with her elbow. It spilled and, using the beer mats as gutters, ran down onto the mans jeans.  
  
"Oh, i'm sorry. I was just off to the little girl's room. I'm sure there's one for ugly people over there too." She said helpfully. As it turned out, this wasn't helpful for the man or Matt, who was soon to be on the reciving end of this man's fist.  
  
The man grunted and stood up. Matt twisted around quickly and grabbed Mimi before attempting to make a run for it. His progress was hindered by Mimi's high heels getting stuck in the floorboard. And as she reminded him "You can't leave a Guggchi like that". Matt sighed, he thought that she probably believed it'd die unhappy as it didn't forfil its lifelong ambition of touching someones feet all day. Infact, this was just the opposite. She believe that when a shoe died they came back as worse shoes if they had done bad in their previous life. Therefore a shoe that doesn't have to touch someone's feet for long was a shoe that did a good job in a past life. On the bottom of the reincarnation line was the trainer - always getting all sweaty and horrible.  
  
"Err, excuse me Mr Seven Foot Tall and Built Like an Ox, but it appears that my friends shoe is stuck, so if you hit us now you wouldn't have had a fair chance to chase us." Matt said to the over closening man.  
  
"You should have said Ugly like an Ox" Mimi corrected. Matt was under the impression she should have been born without a mouth, but whenever he trys to repeat this opinion the mouth always disagrees. If there was one thing scarier then being trapped in a small room with a Diaboromon on an all beans diet was being trapped in a room playing vocal scrabble with Mimi.  
  
After a second of realisation Matt decided that the best offense was a good defense, so he tipped over a nearby table and ran like a girl out of the bar. As he approached his home, he wondered what did happen to the Ghost of Christmas Past...  
  
END 


	4. Tai, Sora and The Way to Find out if you...

"Come on Tai, return the balls!" Sora screched at him as yet another tennis ball cruised to the side of his racket.  
  
"I'll return the balls, and the rest of my body, home!" Tai replied while grabbing his kit bag. He inserted his racket into the small hole - it was a snug fit.  
  
"Taichi come back! We can have some foreplay!" She shouted at him. His eyebrows lifted, almost to the base of his hairline as he swivled around slowly. To his dissapointed she was holding a golf club - a three wood, if his eyes didn't mistake him.  
  
"Ah you know i'm bad at golf!" He shouted back, lowering his bag. "The only part I like is getting my balls in a hole." He mumured at her.  
  
"Huh? How can you not like the feel of a long, hard shaft in your hands?" She asked innocently. Tai looked at her straight in the eye.  
  
"I only like soccer!" He yelled.  
  
"Oh sure, you only like it because you get to score three times in ninety minutes." She lifted her tennis racket and squashed it between two large, round things. They were bowling balls. She lifted one out innocently.  
  
"Bah! I've got bigger balls then that!" Tai screamed at her. He turned and lifter a huge 20kg ball from his bag.  
  
"Wow Tai, you DO have big balls." She replied, admiring his huge, round, ball. "Want to go play?" She continued.  
  
"No thanks" Tai yawned. "I always end up having a wild time on the night but the next thing I know i'm in the gutter." He sighed.  
  
"Fine..." Sora twidled her thumbs. "How about, cricket?"  
  
"No, i'm only good at scoring for that game.." Tai replied.  
  
"Yes, I also like to score.." Sora said, tired of not doing anything.  
  
"I have an idea what we could do!" Tai shouted loudly.  
  
"Yes?!" Sora screamed.  
  
"How about I boink you using my large stick?" Tai asked. Sora sighed.  
  
"Thats a stupid game. Besides, if you're going to boink me I need protection!" She replied, argumentatively.  
  
"Okay, okay. JOHN!" Tai called at the top of his lungs. Their friend John walked over.  
  
"Yo?" He asked.  
  
"Johnny," Tai began "if you could just slip on over here, you could serve as protection for Sora while I boink her with my large stick." 


	5. Tenacious D Sing Along

"This is the greatest and best anime in the world... Digimon." Joe yelled at Izzy as he clicked at his computer.  
  
"Long time ago me and my friend Tai here," Matt said, crashing into the room. "we was strolling down a long and lonesome field."  
  
"All of a sudden, there shined a shiny daemon... in the middle... of the field. " Tai finished, walking in after Matt.  
  
"And he said: " They both shouted together.  
  
"Name the best mon in the world, or I'll eat your soul." T.K. finished.  
  
"Well me and Tai, we looked at each other," Matt said, placing himself down on a chair.  
  
"and we each said... 'Okay'." Tai murmured as he removed a glass of water from the machine.  
  
"And we shouted the first thing that came to our heads, just so happened to be," Matt sung.  
  
"The Best Mon in the World, it was The Best Mon in the World. " Joe and Izzy churped in. Matt gave them a funny look and picked up his guitar. He began strumming and Tai took the singing lead.  
  
"Look into my eyes and it's easy to see  
  
One and one make two, two and one make three,  
  
It was destiny." He sung. Meanwhile, Izzy pulled up a file on his computer and looked at it. He then glanced up towards Matt.  
  
"Once every hundred-thousand years or so," He began.  
  
"When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow  
  
And the grass doth grow... "  
  
"Needless to say, the beast was stunned.  
  
Whip-crack went his schwumpy tail,  
  
And the beast was done. " Tai decided to cut in.  
  
"He asked us: '(snort) Be you angelmons?'  
  
And we said, 'Nay. We are but men'." Matt finished. Then shouted "Rock!"  
  
"Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,  
  
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh! " The girls whoahed in the background.  
  
"I don't know, The Greatest Mon in the World, no.  
  
This is just a tribute.  
  
Couldn't remember The Greatest Mon in the World, no, no.  
  
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Mon in the World,  
  
All right! We named The Greatest Mon in the World,  
  
All right! We named the best muthafuckin' Mon, the greatest mon in the world." Matt and Tai continued together.  
  
"And the peculiar thing is this my friends:  
  
the mon we named on that fateful night it didn't actually look  
  
anything like this Mon." Matt cried, lifting a picture of a Digimon far above his head.  
  
"This is just a tribute! You gotta believe me!  
  
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion.  
  
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',  
  
So surprised to find you can't stop it.  
  
All right! All right!" Tai ended. Matt placed down his guitar and the picture and lifted a cup of hot chocolate.  
  
"That was quite good, maybe we need a little more practice.." 


	6. First NC-17 Rating

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!!Warning!! Content rated NC-17. Please do  
  
NOT read if you are under age.  
  
____________________________________  
  
  
  
"Matt! I need some advice" TK yelled through the bathroom door.  
  
"Shoot away, my little man!" Matt yelled also.  
  
"Well, I keep getting beaten up at school." TK said.  
  
"You have to get hard..." Matt murmured.  
  
"No, I don't want to be like all those tough - idiots."  
  
"Go on, get hard..."  
  
"But how?"  
  
"I have a picture of "The Rock"..."  
  
"How will that help?"  
  
"It serves as motivation, now lets get pumping!"  
  
"But i'm still small!"  
  
"You won't be small soon, the more we pump, the bigger you'll grow!"  
  
"But the tough kids are self-absorbed"  
  
"Head swelling..."  
  
"Exactly! Besides, all that exercise will make me sweaty and sticky."  
  
"I want to see you sweat, your body juice pour out of you, your sticky body juice.."  
  
"I went to Karate the other day, do you think it'll help?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Do you think I should go again?"  
  
"Yes!! More!! More!!"  
  
"That'll cost alot. I'm going with some friends next time, do you want to come?"  
  
"Oh god! Let me cum!"  
  
"Thanks Matt, you've been really helpful."  
  
Matt opens the bathroom door just so he can slip his head out. "Pardon TK? What were you saying? I was a little busy in here..." 


	7. Crazy Matt, Crazy Matt, It's not your fa...

"Ah, another day, another session in the bathroom doing my hair" Matt said to himself as he began combing it backwards. He stopped to look at himself in the mirror.  
  
"Nope that doesn't look right."  
  
"You can say that again."  
  
"Ah what do you know?"  
  
"Everything"  
  
"No you don't, you're just a voice!"  
  
"A very demanding and critical voice"  
  
"A voice I made up!"  
  
"Hey, don't get angry at me if your brain is screwy"  
  
"You make it screwy!  
  
"Yes but what made me?"  
  
"A VERY BAD HANGOVER!"  
  
"You know thats not true"  
  
"Stop talking to me! You're just a voice I created for when I get bored!"  
  
"Why did you create a voice that likes arguing?"  
  
"I don't know! I can see i'll never do it again!"  
  
"Thats right, because you now get my company for life."  
  
"Gahh"  
  
"Its not so bad, i'm a nice guy when you do everything perfectly."  
  
"I am perfect!"  
  
"Then why do you have a voice talking to you?"  
  
"Because I wanted to make myself unperfect as people were getting jealous"  
  
"Thats very kind of you"  
  
"Thank you"  
  
"Although I know its not true"  
  
"Gahhh"  
  
"Come on, lets be friends"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Why don't you want to be friends?"  
  
"AS YOU'RE A VOICE I MADE UP!"  
  
"A very nice voice, once you do things perfectly!"  
  
"I am perfect!"  
  
"Then why do you have a voice talking to you?"  
  
"Because... gahhh..."  
  
"Whats wrong?"  
  
"You! You're wrong!  
  
"I'm not wrong, you're wrong"  
  
"That doesn't even make sense!"  
  
"You don't make sense"  
  
"Please stop!"  
  
"Did you jjust say 'bunny hop'?"  
  
"NO! I SAID PLEASE STOP!"  
  
"Of course I know what you said, I'm in your mind I can hear everything you think."  
  
"Please.. be... quiet"  
  
"You know, I'm sure no-one would like to know about your facination with Yaoi magazines.."  
  
"Gahhh!!!"  
  
Tai came rushing into the bathroom apon hearing his friends scream.  
  
"Matt, are you okay? I came when I heard your scream." He asked.  
  
"I'm okay Tai, do you ever get the feeling its going to be one of those days?" 


	8. Matt Has Writer's Block

"Hey Jack! do you want to help me with this story?" Matt yelled across the room at him. Jack turned and took notice, turning down the volume of his stereo down. He walked on over to the computer Matt was on.  
  
"You see, i'm not sure what to put... here" He said pressing his finger lightly on the screen. It left a dirty mark, but as Jack reminded Matt when he attempted to clean it, it's "only Izzy's PC - he has twelve more".  
  
"I'll have to read the whole thing first!" Jack shouted overly loudly in Matt's ear. He sat down on top of Matt and began scrolling through the story.  
  
"A story is usually more then six lines Matt..." Jack commented. Matt squirmed underneath him before wriggling an arm free, which he then used to push Jack off his face so that he may reply.  
  
"That's why I needed your help!" Matt shouted out at.  
  
"Well, you could start with a plot line and some decent characters. What kind of name is "Tai" anyway?" Jack replied, clicking the replace button, changing the word "Tai" for the word "Brad". "There you go!" He continued. "Brad's a much better name, and if you're putting in a love interest, they can call him "Bwad". Matt gave him an evil look.  
  
"That's stupid. You're stupid!" He shouted at him.  
  
"Well by the way you were writing about this "Tai" character i'd say that you obviously like him!" Jack said as he readjusted himself ontop of Matt. Matt began wriggling so that he may get a comment off but was to busy being squashed. Jack continued "Then we'll change this person... "Sora", we'll put in "Alfie". Yaoi always gets lots of people looking at it." Matt sighed at him. Jack moved further across him. "Now we'll enter some "lemon" content. Here we'll say Brad "sliced a lemon" and "passed the sliced lemon to Alfie". That way when people are looking for lemon fics, this'll pop-up." Matt attemped to make a comment on this but Jack leaned back on him keeping him quiet. "Maybe if we type in some more keywords... We'll make a nightclub and call it NC-17, maybe make him visit the "porn" shop to trade in their old TV..." Jack began typing. "Hmm, maybe we could make Brad feel naked in a pair of small shorts. We could add in an Evil Digimon that looks like Satan and call it horny. The plan is perfect!" Jack exclaimed, as Matt crawled out from under him.  
  
"Great Plan!" Matt shouted. "Except that it's meant to be a factual account about dolphins..." 


End file.
